Mystery Death Note Theater 3000

Disclaimers: Not mine, and I thank my lucky stars.  But, apologies to DisasterTones for this… this is just bad…

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His Untold Story Part One

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(As everything begins, after the opening credits, we find the Wammy Boys being forcibly ushered into a fan-fiction viewing theater.)

Near: Ow.

Matt: Hey, lookie, reinforced sound-proof walls.  Would that be a bad sign?

Mello: Yes, Matt.  It’s so they won’t be disturbed by the sounds of our screams as we attempt to rip our eyeballs out.  Now, come on, let’s get this over with.

(Lights dim as the three take their seats)

Near: Where’s L?

Matt: He said something about going to the bathroom.

Mello: Lucky.

(The opening title flashes on the screen, followed by the rest of the fanfic, slowly and at prime mocking speed)

His Untold Story

Matt: And now you know… the rest of the story.

Mello: Don’t do that.

Matt: Good day.

By DisasterTones

Near: How appropriate.

Chapter One: Orphan

Matt: I know where this is going!  It’s gonna be in Wammy’s House, bet you a nickel.

Mello: No bet.

Near: Who’s the orphan?

Mello: Us?

Near: Well, yeah, duh, but I mean besides us.

Matt: It’s gonna be a Mary-Sue! I bet you a nickel!

Mello: Oh, please don’t tell me you’re going to keep this up.

Matt: I just like saying nickel.

Mello: Well, stop.

Matt: …nickel.

Mello: MATT!

Satomi

Near: Who?

Mello: Satomi.  Strange name for a girl in a British orphanage.

Near: Well, so is Mihael.

Mello: Can it.

walked down the hall to her room, slowly, sadly.

Matt: Oh, the angst… (Slumps in his chair)

Mello: You could cut the tension with a knife… mmm-hmm…

Stupid STUPID parents…they leave me here. What a lame excuse. Since your father died, I can’t take care of you. Stupid excuses, all of them.

Near: Hold it!  Is that the narrator talking?

Matt: And to whom is the narrator speaking? Satomi?

Mello: It’s a thought.  I think.

Near: You do?

Mello: NEAR…

Roger had his hand on her back

Matt: (Gasp) Perv!

and continued to explain why she was here.

Matt: (Impersonating Roger) You see, we’ve been in need of someone to carve little people out of toothpicks…

She knew she was smart, but he told her she was very close to genius.

Mello: She did not, however, reach that threshold.  EPIC FAIL!

Ugh, I just want to paint and listen to music. Why here? I’m no “genius.”

Near: Why here? That isn’t even a complete thought.  Why what here?

Matt: And why is “genius” in quotes?  Like it’s a slur, or something?

Mello: (Satomi) Psh, I’m no genius, quote-unquote, I think to myself, ignoring the fact that an old man has his hand on my waist and that’s completely creepy.

Roger opened her door and told her that her bed was the one by the window.

Matt: Not, as she first thought, the one on the roof.

Near: Don’t be silly.

The room was grayish, due to the rain.

Mello: Oooh, paint that changes with the weather.  Cool.  Why didn’t I get that?

Its other occupant was taking her classes for the day, but Satomi had the day off.

Matt: Taking her classes?

Mello: You should always take your classes with a large glass of water.

Near: And maybe some crackers, to help with the nausea.

She got the feeling she’d have a hard time dealing with her roommate.

Mello: After all, it must be done quickly and quietly, and with all these other occupants… she decided to forego the revolver in favor to the switchblade concealed in her boot.  Yes, this was a mission that required stealth and delicacy.

Near: You are a waste of material.

Mello: When, suddenly, a ninja exploded from the shadows! Rah!

Matt: Hey, I’m liking his story better.

(A shadow passes across the screen)

L: What’d I miss? (Sitting)

Mello: Ninja.

Near: You didn’t miss anything.

On Satomi’s room partners bed lay a slue of books, some small some fairly large.

Matt: Multiple partners.  Kinky.  What, did girls get lax rules in Wammy’s or something?

Mello: Oh-ho, Stealthy Ninja Fiend!  You have made off with the partner’s apostrophe, and for that you must pay!  IN BLOOD!

Near: Well, she could have used it for a comma later in that sentence, but I suppose that logic has gone out the window.

Mello: What?! The ninja made off with the comma too?!

Matt: Blasphemer.

A doll with brown hair poked out from under the bad

Matt: Bad doll!  No poking!

L: I’m… really confused.

and there was a pile of dirty laundry by the closet.

Mello: Oh-ho!  Stealthy Ninja Fiend knows no Laundromat!

Matt: It just doesn’t work without the subtitles.

Roger left Satomi with time to unpack what she brought and settle in.

L: He snuck around the doorframe and peered through a hole in the wall, waiting for her to begin removing her clothing.

Matt: Oh, God, I’m not sleeping tonight.

First, she unpacked her several pairs of white tights into the dresser near the foot of her bed.

Mello: Oh-ho! Stealthy Ninja Fiend fears ballet tights!

Matt: Shut up!

Near: How many chapters are there of this…?

L: (Checking) Six.  Counting this one.

Near: Shoot me.

Mello: Well, move so Matt’s out of the line of fire, then!

Near: (Sinks into his chair) I want my Legos…

Since Satomi was very particular and neat, she was cringing at the disorganization of her roomie.

Matt: Cringe at the disorganization!  CRINGE IN FEAR!

Mello: Oh-ho.

L: She was cringing at the disorganization of her roomie.  She then proceeded to place the pen of her aunt on the desk of her uncle.

Near: What?

L: Spanish class.

Much of her clothes were jumper dresses and sundresses.

Near: How appropriate in gray, gloomy, rainy, cold England.

Mello and Matt: (Singing) Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun… If the sun don’t come, you get a tan from standing in the English rain!

L: Songfic?

She owned a few shorts and one pair of jeans.

Near: Wait… wait… no, sorry, I failed to care.  Try again later.

Satomi wore Mary Jane shoes

Mello: What else would a Mary-Sue wear but Mary Janes?

and owned one pair of tennis shoes.

Matt: She OWNED those tennis shoes, dude! PWNT!

Mello: …aaand the nerdiness starts.  I knew it wouldn’t take long.

Most people laughed at how she dressed, but she never minded.

L: She said ‘never mind’ and flounced off in a Mary-Sue huff.

Satomi finished unpacking clothes and pulled out her sketch pad and markers. She sat on her bed cross-legged and began to draw flowers.

Mello: Yes.  Flowers, rainbows, and cute assortments of little fuzzy forest creatures…

Near: Oh, here it comes.

Mello:  When, suddenly, a shadow of DEATH looms over the picture!  Oh, it’s mass carnage and chaos!  Oh, God, a bunny’s on FIRE!  And then come the Sherman tanks!  (Makes exploding noises with his mouth)

Near: You must have been dropped repeatedly when you were young.

After thirty minutes or so (Satomi didn’t really keep track)

L:  Then why bother mentioning it?

her roommate walked in and threw more books on her bed.

Matt: No!  Not books!  Oh, the HUMANITY!

“Hello, my name is Maila.” The young girl had addressed Satomi rather loudly.

Mello: (Maila) HELLO! MY NAME IS MAILA! I AM THE PRODUCT OF AN UNCREATIVE FANFICTION AUTHOR(ESS) TAKING A CHARACTER NAME, ADDING A VOWEL TO THE END OF IT TO MAKE A NEW NAME, AND CALLING IT GOOD!

Matt: Oh, God, SHUT UP!

Near: Maila Jeevasa.

Matt: And then Mihaela Keehla and Natea Rivera come flouncing in and they talk about cute little girly… things.

L: I’m still confused.

Satomi looked up at her and half smiled, “My name is Satomi.”

Mello: No, that’ll never work.  You can be… Satomia.  Stealthy Ninja Warrior!

Matt: No stealthy ninja warriors.  This is not Naruto.

Maila smiled and sat down beside her.

“I’m seven. Are you too?” She quizzed Satomi.

Near: Does she look two?  Come on, Maila, how did you get into Wammy’s with a brain like that?

“Uhm, yeah.” She quietly responded, setting her drawings to the side.

Mello:  So they wouldn’t get in the way as an unfortunate… accident… struck Maila… Mwahaha!

Matt: No, no assassinations either.

Maila handed Satomi a small yellow note card.

Mello: (Maila) Here, this is your list of boys to screw over.

She read it quickly and then sighed.

Matt: Oh, the angst…

“Is this my class list?” Satomi questioned Maila for a change.

L: For a change?  Maila only asked her two questions!

“Oh, yes. You have four of your classes with me. Uhmm,” Maila hummed out her ‘m’ for a second

Mello and Matt: La!

then continued, “and dinner is at six every day. On Saturday and Sunday we don’t have classes and just sit around. Most kids go play in other kids rooms.

Near: Uh… no, most kids go and play outside on the weekends in Wammy’s House.

Mello: Yeah, didn’t you pay attention?

Girls can go in boys rooms from noon to five, but the doors have to stay open.

Mello: …as a testament to your shame!

Near: What is it with you, death, and shame?

Mello: I really don’t know.

I know its a lot, but you understand, right?”

Matt: (Satomi) Oh, geez… I dunno… I mean, six whole sentences with only one rule in them, wow… and I’m no genius, quote-unquote, so…

Satomi blinked, then nodded and looked out the window.

L: Oh great window, please tell me what I must do!

Maila continued, “If you want too, I can show you around.”

Matt: If you want, too?  I want.  Do you want?

Mello: Let’s have a want-in.

Satomi nodded

L: Stellar vocabulary.

Matt: It means she wants, too.

Mello: Everyone has wants. Don’t discriminate!

and followed her down the hall.

Mello: When suddenly, she-

Near: Does this have anything to do with beating, stabbing, shooting, lynching, or ninja?

Mello: … maybe.

Maila walked her to the foyer and pointed at Roger’s office.

Mello: (Maila) See? Door.

Matt: She didn’t say anything about it, she just pointed?

Near: Cryptic.

Their walk continued down the class wing of the orphanage. When they entered the library, Satomi spotted on boy sitting alone in front of a computer, very oddly, typing out a report.

L: On, boy! On, Donner! On, Dasher! On, Blitzen!

Mello: On, Rufio!

Matt: No, no, she ran up and spotted on him.  With a Sharpie.

Near:  Was he sitting oddly, or typing oddly?

Mello: On, Oddly!

“That’s Lawliet.

All four: BOO!

Matt: (Flings his popcorn at the screen)

L: No one knows my real name!  Why can fan-fiction authors not understand that?

Mello: Well, Maila found out… Stealthy Ninja Fiend reads the bathroom walls!

Matt: Oh-ho.

He’s pretty quiet. Most kids avoid him…He’s weird.”

L: Oh, thanks.  I’m right here, you know!

Near: Yeah, he has low self-esteem.  Be nice.

Satomi smiled at Maila and told her she wanted to go talk to him.

Mello: (Satomi) If I’m the main character, why do I not qualify for quotation marks?

Maila nodded and walked out the door, to their room.

Near: This matters how?

Satomi sat down beside him. He didn’t even acknowledge her.

L: Maybe because she’s a moron?

“So, my name is Satomi, what’s yours.”

Mello: (Satomi) Wow, he’s so wonderful he makes me speak in quotation marks!

Near: Question in the form of a statement.

The young boy looked at her, the corner of an unmelted sugar cube poking out of his mouth and mumbled “Lawliet.”

Matt: Bad sugar cube! No poking!

Mello: Wait… the sugar cube mumbled?  Why are you EATING that, L?!

L: Silencing it, obviously.

Satomi smirked and replied, “Well I like that name.”

Mello: (Satomi) I like it because it’s worthy of a smirk.  Now, I seem to have dropped a comma around here somewhere – will you help me look for it?

The boy shrugged and went on typing.

Matt: I… quiver… at the touch… of your…

L: Stop that.

Satomi sat there patiently for thirty minutes until he finally acknowledged her.

“Why are you trying to be nice to me?”

Mello: …asked the demonic sugar cube.

Matt: The Demonic Sugar Cubes would be a good name for a rock band.

Mello and Matt: (Singing) Sugar pie, honey bun… You know that I love you!

Satomi half smiled and mumbled, “Because other kids call me weird too.”

“That’s not very logical.” He mumbled and put his thumb to his mouth.

Mello: He then began sucking it and cuddled with his security blanket.

Matt:  They’re mumbling at each other.  How romantic.

He slowly took his thumb away to reach into his pocket. Disappointment washed over his face at the realization of no sugar cubes. He was out.

Matt: Oh, the HUMANITY!

L: I’m out, but leave a message and I’ll call you back when I’m in again.

“I stocked poorly today.” He whined slightly and stood up.

Near: He had not been well-oiled that morning.

Lawliet scratched his head and sighed out, “You can come with me if you want.”

L: Don’t forget to sigh out when you leave!

Mello and Matt: (Singing) I sigh it out, digging deeper, just to throw it away!

Near: Will you cease and desist?

Satomi stood and pulled at the hem of her yellow jumper and nodded.

Mello: I feel… a lack of commas in that sentence.  Just a hunch.

She followed him through a few corridors and into his room. After examining his messy room, she asked candidly,

Matt: (Singing) Smile!  You’re on Candid Camera…

“Could I come in and clean your room on Tuesdays?”

L: On Tuesdays? All of them?

Near: Feel free to dirty it up however much you want Wednesday through Monday.  You’re on your own then.

Lawliet, shocked at her sudden friendliness

L: Because she had been so rude up until that point.

cocked his head then shrugged.

“Sure, I guess.”

Mello: (Lawliet) Score!  Free housemaid, and I didn’t even have to do anything!

Satomi smiled and sat down on his unmade bed.

Matt: But I thought she was on the verge of strangling her roommate for daring to leave books out?

She watched him pull out 13 sugar cubes from a box and eat two.

Near: She counted them?

Matt: Lawliet has thirteen sugar cubes.  If he eats two…

Then he offered her one,

Matt: … and gives one away, how long will it take him to go into a sugar coma?

Mello: Trick question?

Matt: The answer is Norman Lear.

which she took and then he sat beside her.

“Are you my friend Lawliet?” Satomi inquired.

Mello: (Lawliet) No, I’m your friend Mr. Squiggles.

“Sure, I’ll be your friend.” He responded not so readily.

Matt: Hesitation – a great start to any relationship!

They sat in silence for a few minutes then the sun began to warm their backs. Awkwardly, they turned to look out the window at the same time.

Near: Synchronized Window-Looking.  Newest addition to this year’s Olympics.

L: Right after Speed Crocheting, and just before Power Yawning.

The boy then looked at her, his long hair falling in his eyes and allowed her one peek at his smile.

Matt: Well, okay, but just one peek.  Can’t have any of these “boy-girl relations and goings-on” around here.

“Let’s go outside.” He spoke out loud for the first time.

Mello: Hey, he spoke for the first time!  The rest of it must’ve been the sugar cubes.

Near: Listen to the sugar cubes.  They will tell you sweet secrets.

Satomi obediently followed as he began to speak a theory, “I prefer the indoors, but I like the swings too. They help me think. Maybe it seems insignificant, but I don’t care.”

Matt: That’s a theory?

L: My theories suck.

Satomi just nodded as he pushed open the glass door.

Mello: He then saw the word ‘Pull’.

He stepped into a puddle, then shook his foot.

Mello and Matt: (Singing) You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, you put your left foot in and you shake it all about!  WOO!

Near: Here, let’s shake feet as a sign of good faith.

For the first time Satomi noticed he wasn’t wearing shoes.

L: Another ‘for the first time’.  It’s a Fan-Fiction of Multiple Meaningless Revelations!

Lawliet wiggled his toes the walked over to the swing set.

Matt: The what walked over to the swing set?

Mello: The sugar cube.

Near: The toes.

L: Norman Lear.

Satomi sat on a swing and waited for him to sit in the one next to her.

Near: Hey, he got there first. She expects him to move to accommodate her? Geez…

Instead, he sat against the pole and brought his knees to his chest.

“Why do you do that?” She asked quietly.

L: Because I can’t bring my knees to your chest.

“It helps me think.” He replied blankly.

“Oh.” She looked off to the side then looked down at him.

Near: I’m in awe from the abounding intellectual conversation.

He was staring at her.

Matt: You shore got a purty mouth…

Satomi blinked and then without thinking grabbed his hand away from his mouth.

Mello: How could she reach him if she was sitting on a swing… and he was sitting on the ground by a pole?

Matt: She grabbed his hand away from his mouth, afeared that he was about to eat it.

He stared at her, and waited for her to let go. Instead, she laced her fingers in between his then looked away, blushing,

Near: Sentence ended with a comma.

L: Hey, I do have other expressions besides staring, ya know.

“Why did you do that?” Lawliet quizzed.

Matt: Pop quiz!

Mello: Remember to answer in the form of a question!

Satomi shrugged.

Mello: That’s not a question.

After a few minutes the dinner bells sounded across the courtyard. The boy stood and let go of her hand.

“Its time for dinner.” He mumbled.

All four: Duh.

Satomi stood and began to take his pace.

Matt: Geez, she takes his hand, she takes his pace, take take take!  Doesn’t anyone GIVE anymore?

Mello: She took his Pace.  The picante sauce that’s made in San Antonio.

She watched him shake his hair out of his eyes

L: I’m blind!

and he grabbed her hand.

Mello: Well, she DID grab his first.

“Why did you do that?” She asked as he opened the door.

“Because, I like you.” He spoke without even looking at her.

Matt: The out of character!  IT HURTS!

(Suddenly, the image on the screen jerks, like broken film, and the screen goes white.)

Mello: Yes!  Stealthy Ninja Warrior has taken out the fan-fiction!

Near: It’ll be fixed soon.

L: Let’s go eat while we wait…

Matt: SMOKE BREAK!

(The four get to their feet and make their way out of the theater to await repairs on the fan-fiction.)

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